Assertiveness is a trait that is often spoken about in a positive light. However, to believe that it is easy to learn is a misconception. It takes time, practice, and effort to develop assertiveness skills. In reality, many people struggle with assertiveness, often because they never learned how to use it effectively. Additionally, it sometimes clashes with our natural instincts, leading to temptation and fear of conflict. Online therapy is a great place to overcome the challenges of learning assertiveness skills.
Assertiveness skills can be difficult to learn. Many of us grow up without learning to use them effectively. As well, assertiveness sometimes goes against our temptations. Sometimes we want to push other people to do our bidding. Sometimes we are desperately afraid of conflict. Assertiveness may mean holding ourselves back from our automatic ways of doing things. It doesn’t come easily.
The Assertiveness Workbook
Firstly, learning assertiveness skills can be challenging because of the way we were brought up and the experiences we’ve had. If we grow up in an environment where assertiveness is not valued, we may not learn how to communicate effectively. As a result, we carry that into adulthood, finding it difficult to express our feelings or opinions. Furthermore, if we have had negative experiences in the past when being assertive, such as being dismissed or ridiculed, it can impact our self-confidence. That’s why it’s important to start small and build up our assertiveness gradually.
Secondly, assertiveness contradicts our natural instincts to get what we want. We may have a desire to push people to do our bidding, whether it be out of fear or impatience. Oftentimes, the fear of conflict can also inhibit our assertiveness. We might worry that others will not like us or that they might retaliate against us. However, it is important to recognize that assertiveness is not about being pushy, but rather, standing up for oneself in a respectful manner.
Thirdly, practicing assertiveness skills can be challenging because it requires holding oneself back from automatic responses. For example, when someone interrupts you while speaking, it may be tempting to retaliate or shut down completely. But an assertive response to that scenario might be saying, “Excuse me, I wasn’t finished speaking.” Choosing this response over the easier option takes practice. Sometimes the most assertive thing we can do is actually to say nothing at all, instead of lashing out in the heat of the moment.
Fourthly, assertiveness involves maintaining boundaries and saying “no” when necessary. This can be tough for people-pleasers or those who fear rejection. Being assertive requires us to be clear about our limits and vocalizing them respectfully. However, it is important to remember that it is not selfish to say “no” if it protects our wellbeing or accomplishes our goals in the long run.
Finally, assertiveness ultimately leads to greater happiness and fulfillment. Honoring our needs and boundaries and expressing ourselves clearly is essential for good mental health and satisfaction in life. It feels good to advocate for oneself and to make decisions that align with our values.
Assertiveness is a valuable trait to possess and can bring great benefits to our lives. However, it is important to acknowledge that it is not easy to learn. It requires being mindful of our natural tendencies, reprogramming our automatic responses, and building confidence in asserting ourselves respectfully. But with practice and patience, we can develop these skills and cultivate greater happiness and fulfillment in our lives.